I found myself one morning, getting up from my journaling session to go pick up my phone to come back and take a picture of said journaling session. (face palm anybody??)
And as I sat there at 5 o’clock in the morning posting to my Instagram account about this journaling session, this tidal wave of clarity just hit me like a tsunami.
Why am I doing what I do? The journaling, the exercising, the eating well, the intentional living practices, the healing, the therapy, the Spartan races, and on and on.
Am I doing it for the picture? So that I’d have proof positive of what an “awesome” human being I am? (I’m not by the way, in case you wondering)
Am I doing it for the accolade? For the virtual pat on the back and an “atta girl” from someone else?
What is so scary about disconnecting and simply living?
At the core of this impulse to manically document and share my life is the fear that I won’t matter. That if I don’t make some sort of “noise” in the world I will be forgotten.
I will die and go unremembered.
“Claire…who?” they’ll say, is what my inner critic tells me is my future if I don’t continue to participate and showcase my daily life.
But the rather harsh truth is that my continual focus outwards means that many times I am forgotten by my own Self and so what is shared on these social platforms is more of a performance than a documentary–at its core it is false and it feels fake. Yes these are things that I enjoy but the simple act of needing to document them in order to feel fulfilled by them, removes me from the present moment and the benefits I was seeking to achieve by doing the activity in the first place.
What I am beginning to learn is that I will never achieve fulfillment by entering into this arena of showmanship where your validation and worth are determined by someone else. When I only feel good about something if it gets likes or comments, I am placing my well-being into the hands of another.
As I enter into this new day, I do so with the intention to feel at peace in my own soul. At peace in my own body. At peace in my own family. I do so by taking a step back from the insanity of photographing every action that I take. I’ve put down my smart phone (quite literally, it is now broken and I’ve replaced it with a “dumb” phone) and instead I’ve picked up the intention of full presence with my whole being.
And in the past four months things have shifted. I feel differently now then I do just a short time before hand. I marvel at the world a lot more and I wonder with a sense of curiosity I had lost when I “knew it all”, or at least had a device always at hand that did.
A life without pictures turns out to be surprisingly filled with meaning and joy. And I know now with more clarity than I ever thought possible that this one life I have to live matters, that my presence is important, and that my soul was called here to this very place for an incredibly important reason.
Where I am and who I am.
It is enough.
It always has been.